Stahlmann – Kinder Der Sehnsucht
Release Date: 22/03/2019
Running Time: 40:16
Review by Dark Juan
Ich bin ein grosse Neue Deutsche Harte-fan…
Good afternoon, my loyal followers of the left hand path, defilers of all things holy and debauchers of all nubile womanhood; Unless you are a lady, then attractive manhood; Or vice versa; Or whatever the hell you want, really. I, the mighty, puissant and above all liberal Dark Juan cares not which set of genitals you prefer to play with, as long as you’re playing with some genitals (on human beings. Other genitals are just a bit wrong, chaps and chapesses. Of legal age and above all consenting! I will rain down great vengeance and considerable physical harm upon you if you are an abuser of a non-consenting person…) then you are following my gospel and I am content. You’ll be pleased to know that I am going to share my thoughts with you, dear children of the night. Again. You poor dears…
Stahlmann, you will be completely unsurprised to learn, are German. Their name means Steel Man. Yes, I know I’m insulting your intelligence, you there waving your hands about and going crimson faced with self-righteous rage. I don’t fucking care so do shut up. However, while you might be fluent in German and bullshit for all I’m aware, you ugly red source of all evil, other people reading this shit that passes for professionalism might not know German and have just been edified and educated, so wind your neck in. Twat!
Yes, sorry. There’s always one. Stahlmann are from Germany and play Neue Deutsche Harte, so fans of OOMPH!, Megaherz and Eisbrecher will immediately be soiling their bondage pants and lederhosen with sex wee glee. I know I have. This is why I have leather sofas. Stahlmann sound like a very enjoyable mix of these luminaries and Rammstein. You can’t listen to NDH without thinking of Rammstein. Mainly because most NDH bands closely follow the Rammstein model – militaristic drumming, at marching pace (‘Du Hast’ and their new single ‘Radio’ are perfect to illustrate my point) ultra precise, weapons grade guitar work, a thunderous yet utterly clean bass sound, a gruff, gut churning vocal in German and shimmering, elusive keyboard work. In short, if you like Neue Deutsche Harte, you’re going to fucking love this. If you don’t like NDH, you probably won’t and should probably go back to hiding behind your Bullet For My Valentine records. Fuck BMFV.
Stahlmann’s sound on this record, entitled Kinder Der Sehnsucht (Children Of Longing) is ultra precise NDH, leaning towards the poppier end of the spectrum like OOMPH! do. This however is not a bad thing as it makes for more melody than you normally get. More melody and less chugging. NDH has lots of chugging normally, which isn’t so bad, but it does make for a somewhat samey musical experience. Less chugging allows the music to breathe and there are some exquisite touches of keyboards, or an eighties reminiscent melody or a little but utterly wonderful bass riff to enjoy, hidden away amongst the violence. Mart’s vocals are reminiscent of OOMPH!’s Dero Goi at times, but conjoined in a sinuous, moist and disturbingly sexual fashion with Rammstein’s Till Lindemann’s singular deep throated rasp. I would come up with a disgusting fornicatory metaphor for this, but let’s face it, Till’s got me licked for that already. Combine this with the German language vocal and lyrics, and there are panties falling off teenage goth girls everywhere. I mean everywhere. If you see a quirkily dressed (in black lace and leather or latex from head to foot) young lady with her iPod (also black) walking down the road and suddenly stumble with her Hello Kitty knickers having found their way to her ankles, I GUARANTEE you she is listening to Stahlmann. You might think I am a fan, judging by this. You might be right. Kinder Der Sehnsucht is a good, solid record. It is unexceptional insofar as it doesn’t bring anything new to the genre but it is fun, heavy and well written and produced and I love NDH music anyway. And they look like a nice bunch of boys who are kind to their mothers, as well. They write good songs. Granted, I can only understand about one word in ten of the lyrical content, but they are delivered with conviction. My favourite tunes on the record are ‘Wahrheit Oder Pflicht’ which is an absolute slammer of a tune and most danceable indeed (to the absolute and shocked horror of Mrs. Dark Juan and our houseguest, the estimable and delightful Mrs. Leigh Jack, who were unfortunate enough to come across me doing the kind of spasmodic jerking that passes for dancing for me. They apparently were wondering what the noise was upstairs… Yes, I have friends. Sometimes they even visit…) and the paean to friendship that is ‘Die Besten’, which is that rare thing – metal reinforcing a positive message that doesn’t involve booze or drugs. At least in the first instance. In fact upon repeated listening to “Kinder Der Sehnsucht”, and liberal use of Google Translate, I have discovered an underlying theme to the record. That being the alienation and withdrawal of people back into themselves, despite having more information and more ways to communicate than ever before. Just call me Dark Holmes. Or Sherlock Juan. Anyway, this is an important message that needed to be shared and appreciated so I award bonus marks for social intelligence. Music with a message is always more groovy than music for music’s sake.
LISTEN TO STAHLMANN WHEN YOU’RE GETTING READY TO GO OUT AND GO AND GET DRUNK WITH YOUR MATES!
A finer message there surely cannot be. I’m following it to the letter and I’m going to ruin the evening of the entire town of Guemene-Sur-Scorff because someone has foolishly put on a karaoke evening at Bistrot De Louisa and they have It’s Been A While by Staind. Muahahahahahahahahahaha! Poor Guemene.
The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System (Das Patentierte Dunkle Juan-Blut-Splat-Bewertungssystem – If this is what it is in accurate German, then the English equivalent is being retired. Everything sounds better in German!) has been royally entertained by Stahlmann and awards them 7/10 for a fine, but ultimately not genre-busting record. It is well worth sacrificing some beer tokens for though!
01 Vom Himmel Veloren (Lost From The Sky or possibly Heaven. Google Translate isn’t clear on this and neither am I. I’m drunk, you see.)
02 Wahrheit Oder Pflicht (Truth Or Dare. I’ve seen pictures of these guys. I’ll take truth, please. I mean if you like boys, knock yourself out, though!)
03 Die Besten (All about your mates. Treasure them. Seriously.)
04 Neub Kebeb Fallt (Translate is INSISTENT that this song is about a dropped kebab. As tragic as this is, I don’t think it’s right. I hope the band corrects me and it is, in which case this is the best song ever!)
05 Kinder Der Sehnsucht (Children Of Longing)
06 Schliess Deine Augen (Close Your Eyes. Not fucking likely while you’re nearby, mate….)
07 Horst Du Wie Mein Herz Schlagt? (Do You Hear My Heart Beating? Curious question to ask a stranger…)
08 Regen (Rain. These chaps have obviously been to Manchester.)
09 Wen Du Gehst (When You Go) featuring the talents of Blue May Rose.
10 Sinnlich (Sensual. Filthy grooves. I am kind of glad I don’t understand German at this point…)
11 Die Besten AMIworx RMX. (I cannot fucking stand remixes. They are a lazy way of retreading tunes to extract more money from the punter. They are cynical horrible things. Normally with a shitty awful hip hop beat stuck over exactly the same tune and are almost invariably worse than the original song. That said, this one is tolerable. There are two benchmarks of remix quality and they are the dub remix of Scumgrief by Fear Factory which can tear you a new arsehole, and the remix of More Human Than Human by Rob Zombie which is dirtier than an entire convent of young probationer nuns I have personally repeatedly defiled and turned into my Harem of Baphomet. This song scores highly against that benchmark.)
MART: Vocals, Programming
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