Scissorfight – Doomus Abruptus Vol.1
Salt Of The Earth Records
Release Date: 06/12/2019
Running Time: 34:29
Review by ‘Dark Juan’
Nefarious and blood soaked greetings from the nether face of God, your Ipssissimus of groove, and trusted local pet sitting service, Dark Juan. I trust you have all been burning churches and defiling virgins in my name while I have been away singlehandedly combating Coronavirus? Coronavirus caught Dark Juan and is currently self-isolating for 14 days. My mighty and puissant immune system dealt it what could only be described as a biblical arse-kicking and it slunk off to try to infect Chuck Norris. That went as you might expect it would. Reports that our lord of the netherworld Satan is currently self-isolating are true. I last left him nursing his Hello Kitty hot water bottle and clutching his My Little Pony bedspread in new and exciting levels of misery and upset. So I laughed at him. And called him a bedraggled cunt! He wanted his DVD of She-Ra, Princess of Power on while he was in bed. I denied him this and left him wretchedly watching Thomas The Tank Engine. The howls of despair were music to my ears, thankfully fucking drowning out Ringo bastard Starr waffling about Sir Topham Hatt.
Anyway, this review is brought to you by the charnel house aroma of Hodgson Fartpants’ anal artistry, Leffe Brun and other quality beers and the number 13. We are (as I am sure you have already been made aware by the title up there ^^^^) currently experiencing Scissorfight’s latest offering, “Doomus Abruptus Vol.1”.
Opening track ‘Caveman Television’ is best described as the aural equivalent of the old timey Scissorfight song title New Hampshire’s Alright (If You Like Fighting). It is a rock n roll soundtrack to an archetypal bar brawl. It’s like being glassed in the face by a heavily bearded (probably gay but in self denial) redneck in a back street bar in some godforsaken fucking little logging town in the arse end of America. And then five minutes later being his best mate and giggling over beers with blood pouring into your bottle of Dos Equis. I’m sure you’ll all agree that this already is sounding like a jolly good night out. See Wrexham for more details.
If you’re not familiar with Scissorfight, then you really need to have a word with yourself and possibly flagellate yourself with razor wire and wash out the subsequent wounds with spirit vinegar, you absolutely shocking tart. Scissorfight have provided us with the kind of good time metal that the scene has been sadly lacking in since heavy metal bands totally lost their sense of humour (notable exceptions exist for this – Lawnmower Deth since forever and the formative experience that was a Lullaby For A Unicorn show. No moshing, just metal fans all over the floor colouring in pictures of fucking unicorns….) and have forgotten that their sole reason for existing is to entertain. Scissorfight entertain and amuse in large and orgasmic measure. The sex wee quotient is quite high, but in deference to the electric bill, the water bill and also my somewhat parlous underwear situation after reviewing White Crone recently, I am writing this review stark bollock naked. The good burghers of Elland are delighted, because I am also doing it on the front patio of Dark Juan Terrace.
Five hundred and fifty-odd words in then, and I have told you precious little about Scissorfight. Allow me to remedy this forthwith. Formed in 1995 in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, Scissorfight have had one mission and one mission only – to deliver the kind of kick ass rock and roll that makes you want to get your groove on and chase members of the human race that are way out of your league (YOUR league, obviously, for there are no people on this earth immune to the blandishments of Dark Juan on a mega charm offensive. Just ask the Ever Metal staff….) and drink beer and dance like it’s the last day of Homo Sapiens. “Doomus Abruptus Vol.1” is the first release by the band since taking an almost ten year hiatus, the selfish bastards. They play deceptively simple music, but they are too groovy for this earth. The sheer scale of the groove cannot be understated. The groove is everything. The production job on this album is frankly too fucking colossal to describe. The guitar sound is massive fuzzed out perfection, the bass face-vibratingly humungous and the drums have the kind of sound that you’ll hear when being repeatedly smacked against unyielding concrete by hydraulic rams controlled by an absolute sadist (Hi!!!). And then there is the vocal of one Mr. Doug Aubin. A man possessed of a voice so gravelly, tarry and huge, it is reported that most of the state of Maine’s roads were resurfaced with it.
Every song is fucking brilliant, if you like tongue in cheek lyrics, the ultimate in groovy song arrangements and not too heavy you will probably love the fuck out of this. If you enjoy pasty faced, scrawny, screeching small people in extreme metal bands, you’ll hate this with the kind of passion that only the most austere and martial black metal can bring you. However, if you appreciate a wall of noise blasting you clear into the wall five metres behind you whilst liquefying your internal organs with the power of bass, you’ll fucking love it. Stand out songs are ‘Coagulus’ (what your blood will be doing as it pools around your rapidly cooling corpse after the unholy aural assault you have just experienced) and ‘Where Eagles Drink’. Any song about drinking gets my vote. Anyway, you get sleaze, melody, some of the greatest gruff yet melodic vocals ever committed to record and riffs. The fucking riffs. Riffs of majesty and splendour. Southern tinged riffs of such magnificence you will go into a riff induced coma and when you wake up again all you’ll hear is Scissorfight riffs ad infintum in a bizarre kind of riff tinnitus.
Well done, you exemplary bastards. Well done.
The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System is feeling so groovy right now it feels like it really should be a member of George Clinton’s Parliament. 9/10 for one of the most fun records I have heard in years.
01. Caveman Television (Looking out of the cave entrance?)
02. Dumpfight (I clearly have a sick mind considering the image in there.)
03. Coagulus (And again. Gutter, my head. Filthy gutter.)
04. Rock And/ Or Die (I will just fucking rock, chaps. I’m living forever.)
05. Where Eagles Drink (Would that be Colonel Suslov’s Grey Eagles? Or the Philly Eagles?)
06. Piss In The Wind (The story of the life of Dark Juan’s bank balance.)
07. The Battle Of (Mudhole Mountain) (Really need to do some kind of wholesome activity.)
08. Lead Venom (On a lead with a collar?)
09. Whatcha Get (When you end up with a demented Englishman reviewing your album.)
Jay Fortin – guitar, multi-instrumentalist
Paul Jarvis – bass
Doug Aubin – vocals
Rick Orcut – drums
Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.