Protosequence – A Blunt Description Of Something Obscene EP

Protosequence – A Blunt Description Of Something Obscene EP
Lacerated Enemy Records
Release Date: 19/05/20
Running Time: 44:54
Review by Dark Juan

It appears that I am unable to stop writing today. Fresh off the words I have shared about Black Vatican, I am now sitting here quietly wondering where the fuck my face has gone after it has just been blown clean off. I’m not ready to face the world gazing out of a naked skull and it will make obtaining new followers somewhat more challenging if I am not able to rely on my suave good charm and devastatingly handsome and desirable looks. I mean, my face was an absolute work of art, enough to render a Botticelli angel meaningless and drab in the background of my shining and beauteous visage. And thanks to Canadian supertech death metallers Protosequence, I don’t have it anymore. The absolute bastards have torn off my face and stamped all over it and left me a bloodied ruin. This, you’ll be surprised to know, is a Very Good Thing indeed.

“A Blunt Description Of Something Obscene” is the latest EP from these Canadian madmen (they didn’t even say please or sorry when they lacerated my face. So much for the vaunted Canadian politeness) and, as is my wont with EP’s, I shall describe it to you track by track… Strap yourselves in.

Opening song ‘Savagery In Fundamental Behaviours’ starts off immediately as the band mean to go on with some ultra complex jazz influenced drumming before the face tearing begins and you are just plastered against the far wall with the supertechnical riffing and drum work even before the deep, guttural and sepulchral vocal from Josh Hahn attacks you as well. I have seldom heard such technical mastery and complex musicianship, yet with the music still remaining accessible and listenable. This song is absolutely fucking brilliant.

The title track comes next and starts off with some clean singing over gentle guitar work. Don’t be fooled. I was and it cost me limbs as they suddenly activate all weapons and turn the song into a flailing, sharp edged war machine and proceed to bludgeon me into absolute submission. More crushingly heavy complexity is the order of the day here, with an added order of extra speed just because they obviously got bored playing insanely complicated technical music at a mere 140 bpm. Clearly 200bpm is where it’s at for Protosequence. There’s a beautiful bit of drumming in the middle eight where Logan slowly speeds his tempo up flawlessly. I have just flooded the house with sex wee. Lord Igor Egbert Bryan Clown-Shoe Cleavage-Hoover and Hodgson Biological-Weapon are whimpering piteously as they struggle against the tide to safety on the high ground across the road. Send help. This song is absolutely fucking brilliant.

Track three is ‘Bleeding The Alienist’ and is just fucking spectacular. The mastery this band have over their instruments defies description, especially drummer Logan Vars, who appears to have been genetically fused with an octopus, as it is impossible for a human with a normal number of limbs to do what he does with a drumkit. Also, his double bass drumming. What’s he using? A fucking pneumatic drill? His playing is physically fucking impossible, butty bach. There is no hope for Elland anymore. Protosequence are causing extinction level amounts of sex wee. Most of the Calder Valley is flooded and the levels are rising. My trousers are a sodden mess. My car has floated away. The Army have been called in. This song is absolutely fucking brilliant.

There’s only one more song to go and that’s called ‘The Pale’. It is at this point that Protosequence decide they aren’t fucking about anymore and aim for lightspeed. Every single demented, possessed person in the band dials up their already extraordinary talents up to 11 and just fucking kills the listener stone dead with some of the most brutal music I have ever heard. There’s a new calendar after Protosequence caused me to destroy the world with emanations of sex wee in proportions never before encountered. The year is 1AP (After Protosequence) and humanity is clinging perilously to existence. Cities have crumbled, Hodgson, Igor and Sir Zeusington Zeus KCVG, VC, MM, DFC and Bar, Croix De Guerre are all curled around a fire in North Dean Woods, where Mrs. Dark Juan berates me for destroying the world and making it hard to create the felt badger she has been commissioned to make. This song is absolutely fucking brilliant.

So there we have it. A group of egregiously talented Canadian madmen make the music that caused the apocalypse….. Hang on a minute!

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

I think I am going to spontaneously combust. They’ve only gone and fucking put INSTRUMENTAL VERSIONS OF EVERY FUCKING SONG ON HERE AS WELL!!!! There’s going to be a fucking cosmic sex wee singularity here in a minute!

Fucking transcendent supertechnical death metal. I AM DONE. I am more spent than Austin fucking Powers. It’s a waste of time any other band releasing any more music ever. Nothing can top this, surely. Protosequence are the band that Necrophagist fans have been dying for.

The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System is now utterly redundant. There is no hope for humanity and none of you can read this because when the sex wee explosion happened you were either all killed or there is no electricity anymore but in the interests of preserving the old ways it awards Protosequence 1000/10. Yes, I know the scoring system is wrong and you can’t get more than 10/10. No, I don’t care. Just buy the fucking record.

01. Savagery in Fundamental Behaviours
02. A Blunt Description of Something Obscene
03. Bleeding the Alienist (ft. Joe McKee)
04. The Pale
05. Savagery in Fundamental Behaviours (Instrumental)
06. A Blunt Description of Something Obscene (Instrumental)
07. Bleeding the Alienist (Instrumental)
08. The Pale (Instrumental)

Jacob Teeple – Bass
Josh Hahn – Vocals
Dylan Parker – Guitar/Vocals
Logan Vars – Drums


Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of ‘Dark Juan’ and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.

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