Olivia Neutered John – Gorewhore

Olivia Neutered John – Gorewhore
Blackened Death Records
Release Date: 18/05/2020
Running Time: Fuck knows as Media Player won’t tell me.
(Rick Here – It’s actually 42:15)
Review by Dark Juan
(As if it could be anyone else with a band name as superb as Olivia Neutered John)
Score: 9/10

Good evening, dear hearts. It is I, Dark Juan and I have returned from my sojourns among the tormented and the weak, bringing the gospel of our dread lord Satan to toffs and gentry, to bring you the thoughts and wisdom that only I can provide to you. OK, I’m lying. What I actually am is very drunk and going to write about some music I am listening to after I have recounted a possibly witty (but by no means likely) anecdote about one of my fucknugget dogs, for Sir Zeusington Zeus KCVG, VC, MM, DFC and Bar has tried once again to top himself by eating things that are not food. Having done the full-on dying swan for the forty-eight hours I was at work looking after vulnerable children (Yes, that is my career path. What do you mean I shouldn’t be trusted with vulnerable kids? FUCK YOU CROSSWAYS!! I AM BOTH DILIGENT AND RESPONSIBLE!!) He once more, (after a ridiculously expensive visit to the vet which fucking crippled me financially for the month AGAIN…) made a fucking miraculous recovery after I returned home from work. I mean, it’s not like I don’t have enough stress when I’m at work is it? He is currently laid next to me alternating between snoring and farting. The absolute twat.

In an effort to rid myself of residual dog stress, I am currently really pissing off Mrs. Dark Juan by fucking blasting “Gorewhore” by Olivia Neutered John and cavorting around the room like a… well, like a drunken dickhead to be honest. Judging by the increasingly loud and insistent pounding on the wall from my esteemed new neighbours Chloe and Chris they too are enjoying this record mightily.

Having read many of the words I commit to the ether, you lot out there will be well acquainted with my love of early Carcass, and I am pleased to report that ONJ (Neutered is too difficult a word to spell right now because I brewed some homebrew and I got it wrong and it appears that I have brewed an entirely new kind of alcoholic beverage that robs you of all feeling in your extremities and your face while bringing on cases of excessive verbiage and frankly talking bollocks. It was supposed to be beer. It really isn’t) happily bring back the spirit of those once youthful Scousers with added political nous. Yes, ONJ provide you with feminist goregrind. This is something Dark Juan is behind in a fucking big way, being as I am a feminist through and through.

Imagine “Symphonies Of Sickness” era Carcass with a production job that was done properly as opposed to sounding like the recording rig was composed of RSJs,  yogurt and spiders. There, you now have an idea of the sound of Olivia Neutered John. Everything is well produced except the drums fade in and out of the mix quite noticeably, especially when the tempo increases and the vocals are fast. However, considering ONJ are a one-man band this small detail can be overlooked because Dick “Bastard” Weeks is a metric fuckton more talented than I am. His vocals run the full range from acidic screams to the deepest and most sepulchral grunt, his guitar and bass playing workmanlike and satisfying to all except the most discerning gorehound (personally I love the fact that the guitars are no holds barred pure goregrind slamming) and the drumming rapid and precise. Mr. Bastard also follows the grindcore blueprint of short, murderous blasts of songs with little to no subtlety and this is to his considerable advantage. The songs are pure, unadulterated rage, spitting viciously from your speakers. This is goddamned angry metal designed to do two things – make you think and to take your fucking face off. It’s violent and ugly stuff. Song titles like ‘Anal In The House Of The Lord’ (my hatred for organised religion is well known and utterly uncompromising) and ‘Unanesthetised Gelding With A Brand Name Food Processor’ (hilarious, extremely painful sounding yet disturbingly graphic) leave you with no illusions about the fact that Mr. Bastard is a) a man with serious and potentially lethal personality defects and b) that he agrees with Dark Juan that most men are absolute animals and must be culled.

Disclaimer: NOT ALL MEN ARE ANIMALS AND MUST BE CULLED. This is important. Just most of them. Especially if they wear Burberry, leisurewear or hats in an unacceptable fashion, the shocking tarts. Or are members of the Bullingdon Club. Execute those upper-class motherfuckers without mercy or pity, the pig head fucking wankers. It is your civic duty and Dark Juan expects results, not excuses.

It’s hard to pick highlights to this record, as the songs are concentrated blasts of condensed fury, rarely lasting more than two minutes in the finest traditions of grind and splattercore and neatly referencing a genre sadly lacking in new and exciting talent. Olivia Neutered John are truly exciting to me as they are of the genre that got me into the more extreme forms of metal, that being grindcore. Carcass and Napalm Death are gods to me and Olivia Neutered John are (is? ONJ is a one-man band after all) a splendid and relevant addition to the pantheon of greatness that those two bands are part of.

To summarise then, ONJ are fucking spectacular. Everything good about goregrind has been updated and brought into the 21st century and combined with a political message that frankly every motherfucker should get behind in the name of equality, even if some of the solutions Mr. Bastard sings about might be a teensy-weensy bit too violent and blood-soaked for society at large to accept. Granted the band have a DIY sound that references the punk aesthetic of the 70’s and a slightly dodgy production, but ONJ bring back to me the joy of discovering new levels of extremity in extreme music.

I fucking love Olivia Neutered John. Well done, Mr. Bastard, well done indeed.

The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System has been reminded why grindcore is great. 9/10. A splendid record. Especially for its timely and worthy politics as much as the violence and savagery. Super highly recommended.

TRACKLISTING:

(WARNING: it’s a grindcore album. This could be extensive with high quality word salad song titles.)

01. Whetting The Tools Of Castration
02. Olivia Neutered John
03. Freelance Rotary Hammer Proctologist (FUCKING OUCH!!!)
04. Pool Of Liquified Paedophiles (Frankly, due to my line of work and having witnessed the real and raw suffering of kids having suffered sexual abuse, this is a concept I am entirely behind and want to be personally responsible for…)
05. Gendercrusher
06. Under The Heel Of Her Holy Highness (Oh, the possibilities…)
07. Stairwell Nonce Bashing (Again, an activity that is both wholesome and has a useful and proactive purpose. I recommend it to all persons who think nonces should be executed…)
08. Stillbornography
09. Pecker Wrecker
10. Death Fetish
11. Queen Of The Rusty Chainsaw (MY LIEGE!!!!)
12. Anal In The House Of The Lord (Come near me in your fucking dress and funny hat and I’m going to rip your bastard nipples off you religious BASTARD!!!)
13. Break Your Neck Bust Your Balls
14. Terminator Of Unlife
15. Brutality Unleashed
16. Cisterhood Of The Jackal
17. Underage Teenage Outrage Rampage (Again something I am on board with…)
18. Exhaustive Ruination Of The Vas Deferens (Hey, fact fans! The Vas Deferens tubes are the means of transporting sperm from the testes to the penis before ejaculation. You’re welcome.)
19. Bootlicker
20. Transdefender
21. Friend Zone Dead Zone
22. Unanesthetised Gelding With A Brand Name Food Processor (A Moulinex would be entirely unacceptable. Only Russell Hobbs will do…)
23. Scrotal Holocaust
24. Gorewhore
25. And The Arms That Embrace Me Are As Gentle As The Broken Necks Of Dead Swans (What the FUCK?!?)
26. John Poison Sons
27. Testosteroni
28. Post Traumatic Pickaxe Perforated Prostate (Alliterative torture. I dig this…)
29. HOPE Machine II
30 The Fragility Of Origami Cranes In A Rainstorm
31. Suffer Age

LINE-UP:

Dick “Bastard” Weeks – Fucking everything, the talented bastard. There’s no need for it, I tell you. No need.

LINKS:

Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of ‘Dark Juan’ and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.

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