mvsic2mvrder2 – BlakGoD EP
Released On 22/02/2021
Running Time: 14:40
Review By Dark Juan
Hello, ladies, gentlemen, gentlepersons of all other genders and germ-free adolescents! It is I, Dark Juan and I have returned from my bed of pain and suffering to bring you this freshly minted piece of absolute nonsense masquerading as knowledgeable writing! Age appears to be catching up with your favourite pseudo-Satanic metal hack and I have been laid up with a spasming back. Now, it’s fun when you have applied a bullwhip to the back of some whimpering Neophyte for a considerable and tiring length of time and you watch their blood soaked back twitching and spasming in anticipation of another lick or two, but not so much when your old assed back cries enough when you have mainly been sat down swilling gallons of Yorkshire tea and barking orders at your “pack” (I use the term loosely as far as my bunch of misshapen misfits goes) of dogs. Except in the case of the Dread Lord Sir Igor Egbert Bryan Clown-Shoe Cleavage-Hoover, who appears to be trans-species, seeing as he variously barks, meows, moos and on one memorable occasion chirped. He is one confused creature. Anyhow, I have mainly been mainlining diazepam and reclining on my chaise longue in my Fourth Incantation Robes (Spring Weight) and being fed vegetarian burgers by the estimable and formidable Mrs. Dark Juan, who has finally insisted in the strongest possible terms (by means of threatening me with a number of weapons including the Dread Lord Sir Igor Egbert Bryan Clown-Shoe Cleavage-Hoover and the towel rail that I HAVE STILL NOT REPAIRED after the last Ever-Metal online group shenanigans. If you are a regular reader of my bullshit, you will be aware that I got so profoundly drunk that my memory is one long blank after half past eleven. Apparently, according to the gentlemanly and erudite Simon “I Take No Perverse Glee In Telling You This WHATSOEVER” Black, the picture of me went sideways and then faded to black and stayed that way. Our erstwhile and surprisingly large mentor and leader General Sir Richard “I Run A Tight Ship But Frankly I’m That Sick Of Telling Dark Juan Off Because It Happens So Often That My Mouth Does It On Automatic Nowadays” Tilley commented thus, “It’s just like his personality.” Fuck you very much, gentlemen!) that I finally register with the local doctor. Which I have duly done on pain of a savage and meaningless death at the hands of Mrs. Dark Juan. If she says she can murder you with just a spoon, you may rest assured there is a trail of corpses and unsolved murders somewhere where the weapon was a simple teaspoon.
Where were we and what am I actually supposed to be doing?
For my delectation today I have been provided with an EP from a Bulgarian madman who is resident in Belgium called mvsic2mvrder2. As a grammar Nazi of the highest possible calibre, (if you don’t know what third person indicative is, then we are going to have problems) you cannot even BEGIN to imagine the amount of pain it has caused me to type that. Therefore, for the remainder of this increasingly wordy and long winded review, he shall be referred to as m2m2. The lowercase M in place of the correct capital hurts my eyes and my soul grievously yet I shall push on for you, dear friends and readers of twaddle. I am listening to “BlakGoD” (This being a reference to Chernobog, a Slavic black god) and it is a five track EP (although the last song is a remix of the previous song, so technically it’s a four track EP with a bonus tune.)
As this is an EP, I am going to follow my usual format and talk about each song in turn. First up is ‘KvltLeader’ and if you are expecting some pure heavy metal you are going to be very much mistaken, considering the ravening howling mad bastard who has recorded this. Instead, we have a particularly vicious mélange of black metal lo-fi guitar, terror EBM vocals in the vein of God Module and Grendel and gabba techno and electronic industrial. Think Mayhem fucking Combichrist and Suicide Commando until The Berzerker, Throbbing Gristle and Unter Null burst in and throw themselves into the meat triangle and turn it into a meat sexagon (sic) with viscera and bodily fluids being flung everywhere during this most uncongenial congeniality. Yes, it is a particularly savage coupling, this one. This is to be applauded.
This sound (or wall thereof) continues on the second song, ‘Coffinwhispers’, which has an especially virulent sound composed of chopped up guitars, re-sequenced into something possibly illegal and the kind of industrial beat that causes sex wee to erupt in colossal quantities from the fucked up specimen writing this. The flood sirens are blaring and my neighbours are looking balefully at me as they are forced to evacuate AGAIN. This is a Very Good Thing and the sex wee tanks off the coast of Alaska are rapidly filling, due to the well-built and capacious nature of the Dark Juan Sex Wee Extraction System that has been built on to the end of Dark Juan Terrace.
Track three is ‘Fällsilent (EP Version)’ which is slightly less demented and takes a (very slightly) more relaxed form reminiscent of Ministry around their “Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Taste” era with more modern electronics overlaying an 80’s beat and some less savage guitar work, being rather more slow burning than the mental maelstrom that the first two songs were. Still, it is a very uncompromising slab of…whatever the fuck it is, and I commend it to your august attention.
‘BlöD (EP Version)’ (no, it is not a typo) is the final track, and this is where the savagery of hardcore techno comes to the fore, being the mutant love child of “Come To Daddy (Pappy Mix)” Aphex Twin and Johnny Violent and Ultraviolence’s insanely pounding beats overlaying the kind of demented riffing you would find on a Misery Loves Company record. Squeals, squelches and machine gun percussion combine to just stave your fucking crust in whilst the vocals roar and coruscate around your head and the guitars approximate the sound of an approaching main battle tank that will pass mere inches from your helpless head…
Then it’s the bonus track ‘BlöD (Video Edit)’ which is a much more relaxed and a lot more electronic state of affairs. Sheer, unutterable sonic murder is traded in for something approaching musicality as the beats approximate early Nine Inch Nails and Die Krupps instead of the sound of high revving diesel engines and it makes for a far more sedate listening experience. All in all, I prefer the manic one although as far as remixes go, this is perfectly enjoyable.
So, there you have it. Four songs and one remix version of sheer sonic horror. Purists of heavy metal will be fucking appalled at the (as they will see it) desecration of metal with extensive electronics and a wilful disregard for convention that would test even the most sainted of temperaments. However, if you’re into extreme music like what I am (extreme is not just metal, boys, girls and all other genders) then you’ll fucking love the single minded desire displayed by m2m2 to just remove your fucking head and dance all over your blood-soaked and battered corpse as he grins like a loon and paints his face with your arterial splatter. Assuming it’s a him. Yes, I have just assumed someone’s gender. You can shoot me once I have cleared my review backlog. Rick will be most relieved.
Savage doesn’t even begin to cover it.
The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System (Le système breveté d’évaluation des éclaboussures de sang Dark Juan – Sorry, other Belgians. Google Translate doesn’t do Flemish and I can only speak French. Патентованата система за оценка на пръски от тъмно Хуан – Google Translate does happily do Bulgarian though!) awards mvsic2mvrder2 (sigh… I’m going to have to read a lot of Colin Dexter to get over this mangling of the English language and rules of grammar) 9/10 for an absolutely uncompromising bit of sheer ravening madness. I deducted a mark because I wanted more and there were not enough songs to satisfy my craving and this is entirely unacceptable. An album of this music would have garnered a score of several trillion out of ten and a right bollocking for me, as, “We have a scoring system out of ten for a reason, you absolute twonk.”
I may have paraphrased.
03. Fällsilent (EP Version)
04. BlöD (EP Version)
05. BlöD (Video Edit)
mvsic2mvrder2 – Does fucking everything. What a bastard. I hate talented people because I’m not. Also, a significant amount of internet trawling has not enabled me to find out m2m2’s identity, so he shall forevermore be known as Dave, as is my wont.
Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of ‘Dark Juan’ and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.