When Dark Juan Attempts A Top Ten List…

When Dark Juan Attempts A Top Ten List…

Just a quick interjection from me as I thank Dark Juan for all his hard work and the somewhat “different” reviews he has submitted this year. Thank you kind sir!

Especially when he’s sober. Let’s try and keep this brief and at least moderately entertaining, eh?

10. Stahlmann – Kinder Der Sehnsucht.

Stahlmann

Nth Generation Neue Deutsche Harte. Causes goth girls to lose their frilly knickers. If you like baritone German vocals, das ist gut!

http://www.facebook.com/stahlmann-138756019513864


9. Kill All The Gentlemen – The Loss And The Rapture.

Kill All The Gentlemen

Spectactularly deranged British bruisers defy expectations with corking album of magnificently spiky metal.

http://www.facebook.com/killallthegentlemen


8. Hecate Enthroned – Embrace Of The Godless Aeon.

Hecate Dethroned

More Brits, bringing back the good time when British avant-garde black metal had romance and melody instead of a production job not unlike a wasp in an echo chamber and a problem with unburnt churches.

http://www.facebook.com/HecateEnthroned


7. Dirge – Lost Empyrean.

Dirge

The greatest French metal band I have experienced apart from P.H.O.B.O.S. Did the most amazing thing ever for the release of this album. Released it, then split up just when I discovered how awesome they are. Merci pour rien, mes amis!

http://www.facebook.com/dirge.fr


6. Blame Zeus – Seethe.

Blame Zeus

Portugal normally means port, the Algarve and occasional naval ally against Spain to this hellpriest. It doesn’t normally mean absolutely slamming female fronted heavy fucking metal. Splendid stuff from the sun-kissed slammers.

http://www.facebook.com/BlameZeus


5. Woven Man – Revelry (in Our Arms).

Woven Man

When Wales stops bothering about rugby, cawl and Felinfoel Double Dragon (a fine Llanelli brew as Woven Man will of course know!) they do this. A supremely crushing and powerful heavy metal record enhanced with the delightful form of Natalie Purchase on the cover. It almost makes me forget the Church. Amen.

http://www.facebook.com/wovenisms


4. Quantum Pig – Songs Of Industry And Sunshine.

Quantum Pig

Hitherto unknown prog delights from a technically expert band. Also, they are wonderful gentlemen and fine conversationalists. You heard it here first. And I’ve still not given away the secret they told me about the next record…

http://www.facebook.com/QuantumPig


3. Sacred Reich – Awakening.

Sacred Reich

Oh god. Oh my fucking god. The BEST of the American thrash metal bands return to the fray with an album that took off my face, stamped all over it with hobnailed boots on and then threw it in the bin. Savage.

http://www.facebook.com/sacredreichofficial


2. Graham Bonnet – Live In Tokyo 2017.

Graham Bonnet

The perfect heavy metal live album from a fucking bona fide heavy fucking metal legend, a gentleman of the first order, and also Beth-Ami Heavenstone. If you know me, you know about Beth-Ami Heavenstone. Sigh.

http://www.facebook.com/grahambonnetmusic


1. Damim/ King Satan – A Fine Game Of Nil/ I Want You To Worship Satan.

I couldn’t choose between these two records so they can share the spoils and the dubious honour of now being on my somewhat depraved radar.

Damim – British blackened death metal of the very highest calibre. Faster than the firing rate of a gatling gun, and more complex than an Italian fuel pump design, but infinitely more reliable and pleasing. A truly monumental record.

http://www.facebook.com/dam.nation.uk

King Satan – Incredibly insane industrial metal from Finland. Cacophonous, dribblingly mental and inventive and a shining example of what joy can happen when musical genres like what they see and make violent, unpredictable love together. Aggrotech meets industrial metal, checks out its arse and then tears its clothes off in a paroxysm of sexual frenzy. King Satan is the offspring of that unholy union. Utterly magnificent.

http://www.facebook.com/kingsatan616

So there you have it. Dark Juan attempts a top ten of the many fine records and some stinkers (hear that, Warrior Soul?) I have had the pleasure to review. Here’s to 2020. Happy Yule, you beautiful bitches and bastards! If you see me out out, buy me beer and lock up your daughters. Peace and good fortune.

 

 

Disclaimer: This Top Ten is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.

Kill All The Gentlemen – The Loss And The Rapture

The Loss And The Rapture Cover

Kill All The Gentlemen – The Loss And The Rapture
Sliptrick Records
Release Date: 22/11/2018
Running Time: 39:37
Review by ‘Dark Juan’
8/10

Greetings, neophytes, zelators and the mildly curious about the occult activities of the Left Hand Path. It is I, the Groove Ipssisimus Dark Juan here to give you the “benefit” of my wisdom about many things: One of them might even be what I’m supposed to be writing about, but to be honest I think you might be shit out of luck on that score today, and possibly for the rest of the week. Mainly because it has been that hot here I haven’t been able to do anything apart from lie on the cool tiled floor of the lounge, bemoan the French government for allowing this heatwave to happen and curse Satan for not shutting the back door to hell behind me after I kicked him in his nefarious big red balls and fucked off after he dared to suggest my soul belongs to him. As far as I am concerned, you have to have a soul in order for it to belong to anyone, and the twisted, foetid little black knot of unspeakable rage that lives in my chest does not qualify as a soul. More a weapon. Anyway, I am sat (sitting would be the correct grammar, according to my guest who has just left to go skiing in the Alps. He’s a lawyer and went to a very exclusive school where they taught him Latin and stuff. My Dying Bride taught me Latin – Incendere suus, damnare suus vita. Dare suus ad art ventus) in my Fourth Invocation Robes (Summer Weight (Refrigerated)) dying slowly of dehydration whilst simultaneously drinking as much alcohol as I can cram down my avid throat whilst I listen to Kill All The Gentlemen’s latest offering, entitled “The Loss And The Rapture” (Phew, we got to it in the end. Well done for sticking with me this far…) This band is based in England, more specifically Exeter in Devon, although I am privately convinced that at least two members of the band are NOT Devonian by birth. I shall leave you, dear reader, to work out who they might be.

Disclaimer – My Fourth Invocation Robes (Summer Weight) are a lie. I’m wearing green pyjama pants with Animal from the Muppets on them, black and white striped espadrilles and a not wholly unironic Spinal Tap t-shirt. This is because I have had a high concentration of supreme quality metal recently and because of sex wees, trouser explosions and sheer excitement coupled with being of a certain age I have single-handedly created a Breton underwear drought. Hence with the expectation of this being a rather splendid slab of depleted uranium heaviness, I have elected to eschew pants. No tighty whities for Dark Juan!

I am not disappointed with the heaviness. This is not music. It is an avalanche with some poor fucker on skis in front of it. It is brutality and violence in musical form. This is A VERY GOOD THING. I know I rattle on about melody and quality tunesmithing, but there are times you (I, certainly) just want to have your brain turned to soup. KATG are rather good at this, but to write them off as just a kind of fairly generic death/ extreme metal band is to not pay sufficient attention to them. The title track of this record is a FUCKING GLORIOUS THING THAT EVERY SINGLE METAL FAN SHOULD HAVE A COPY OF BY ORDER OF DARK JUAN YOU FUCKING BUNCH OF BASTARD PHILISTINES!!!!!! It is almost prog in its complexity, with light and dark and fucking loud and quiet and vocals that range from the chilling whisper you get in your ear a split second before the brandished steel blade is drawn across your throat and your lifeblood pumps from you in minutes, to the kind of open throated roar that normally emanates from a giant, radioactive lizard intent on razing Japanese cities to the ground. It is a roar you should never play at any volume in San Francisco as you will just seismically stimulate the San Andreas Fault into an early earthquake. Well done, Kill All The Gentlemen; you have turned a beautiful 1920s city by the sea into a massive fucking Lovecraftian hole simply by the power of your heavy fucking metal. This is behaviour that needs to be encouraged. Can you please do the same to the bunch of Jesus freaks and all round unpleasant cock juggling thundercunts that are the Westboro Baptist Church, please? I might have a highly illegal and possibly unstable cache of trinitrotoluene secreted somewhere nearby should you need some explosive assistance… The album as a whole is a solid and powerful piece of speedy, sharpened metal with a bass sound that reminded me greatly of the 80’s British thrash band Acid Reign. The opening cut on this record, ‘I Welcome The Horror’ has the potential to be a minor classic, starting with the kind of music that you would expect from 80’s Italian horror films before Adam Martin howls, “It’s coming…… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!” and you are led down a spiky, flesh ridden, blood-soaked rabbit hole of metal brutality seldom experienced from British bands. It is a fine song and it is representative of the whole record. It is speedy and powerful and jolly good fun if you like mosh pits and losing your teeth while cannoning off other people intent on changing their own dentistry. All the songs are exciting, solid slabs of granite hard heavy metal underpinned with the prodigious roar of the estimable Mr. Martin. The title track is far and away my favourite on the record though, as it stands head and shoulders above the rest for quality, interest and ability. This is not to say that the rest of the record is bad because it really isn’t! ‘These Are Godless Times’ is another absolute stormer of a song and hopefully destined for permanent airplay on many record stations.

In short then, KATG have shaken me out of a post visit bout of existential misery, but they have also caused me to cane the gin and tonic and now I’m wankered all over again.

Thank you, gentlemen, thank you.

A fine, fine record then. Give them your readies and buy their records.

The Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System has been quaffing many alcoholic beverages during the course of this album and awards it a splendidly squiffy 8/10. Well worth your effort, though. British metal is back on the up!

TRACKLISTING:
01. I Welcome The Horror
02. Sing For Me Sinner
03. Where Here Is I Know Not
(Could be the Dark Juan theme tune! We went to La Gacilly for a photographic exhibition yesterday. Got lost twice. The Volkswaffe doesn’t have sat nav, which made opportunities for deflowering virgins and subverting the Church tricky as we were on the minutes. I had to content myself with telling a nun she worshipped a false god and she needed cock…)
04. These Are Godless Times (Well, I am doing my best! Burn down a church!)
05. Death’s Very Emissary (Oh yes, that IS me…)
06. The Loss And The Rapture
07. Damnation Be My Guide
08. Once A Slave
(NEVER A FUCKING SLAVE! DARK JUAN WILL ACHIEVE DOMINION OVER ALL!!! Probably to a soundtrack of Kill All The Gentlemen.)

LINE-UP:
Adam Martin – Vocals/Guitar
Christian Axsel – Guitar/Backing Vocals
Thomas Arne Rørstad – Drums
Ben Andrew – Bass
Drums on the album recorded by Olan Parkinson

LINKS:
https://www.facebook.com/killallthegentlemen/

https://www.instagram.com/katgband/
https://killallthegentlemen.bigcartel.com/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCHlWuQVXpl8ZloY1-CXQNQ

 

Promo Pic1

 

Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.