When Dark Juan Attempts A Top Ten List…

When Dark Juan Attempts A Top Ten List…

Just a quick interjection from me as I thank Dark Juan for all his hard work and the somewhat “different” reviews he has submitted this year. Thank you kind sir!

Especially when he’s sober. Let’s try and keep this brief and at least moderately entertaining, eh?

10. Stahlmann – Kinder Der Sehnsucht.

Stahlmann

Nth Generation Neue Deutsche Harte. Causes goth girls to lose their frilly knickers. If you like baritone German vocals, das ist gut!

http://www.facebook.com/stahlmann-138756019513864


9. Kill All The Gentlemen – The Loss And The Rapture.

Kill All The Gentlemen

Spectactularly deranged British bruisers defy expectations with corking album of magnificently spiky metal.

http://www.facebook.com/killallthegentlemen


8. Hecate Enthroned – Embrace Of The Godless Aeon.

Hecate Dethroned

More Brits, bringing back the good time when British avant-garde black metal had romance and melody instead of a production job not unlike a wasp in an echo chamber and a problem with unburnt churches.

http://www.facebook.com/HecateEnthroned


7. Dirge – Lost Empyrean.

Dirge

The greatest French metal band I have experienced apart from P.H.O.B.O.S. Did the most amazing thing ever for the release of this album. Released it, then split up just when I discovered how awesome they are. Merci pour rien, mes amis!

http://www.facebook.com/dirge.fr


6. Blame Zeus – Seethe.

Blame Zeus

Portugal normally means port, the Algarve and occasional naval ally against Spain to this hellpriest. It doesn’t normally mean absolutely slamming female fronted heavy fucking metal. Splendid stuff from the sun-kissed slammers.

http://www.facebook.com/BlameZeus


5. Woven Man – Revelry (in Our Arms).

Woven Man

When Wales stops bothering about rugby, cawl and Felinfoel Double Dragon (a fine Llanelli brew as Woven Man will of course know!) they do this. A supremely crushing and powerful heavy metal record enhanced with the delightful form of Natalie Purchase on the cover. It almost makes me forget the Church. Amen.

http://www.facebook.com/wovenisms


4. Quantum Pig – Songs Of Industry And Sunshine.

Quantum Pig

Hitherto unknown prog delights from a technically expert band. Also, they are wonderful gentlemen and fine conversationalists. You heard it here first. And I’ve still not given away the secret they told me about the next record…

http://www.facebook.com/QuantumPig


3. Sacred Reich – Awakening.

Sacred Reich

Oh god. Oh my fucking god. The BEST of the American thrash metal bands return to the fray with an album that took off my face, stamped all over it with hobnailed boots on and then threw it in the bin. Savage.

http://www.facebook.com/sacredreichofficial


2. Graham Bonnet – Live In Tokyo 2017.

Graham Bonnet

The perfect heavy metal live album from a fucking bona fide heavy fucking metal legend, a gentleman of the first order, and also Beth-Ami Heavenstone. If you know me, you know about Beth-Ami Heavenstone. Sigh.

http://www.facebook.com/grahambonnetmusic


1. Damim/ King Satan – A Fine Game Of Nil/ I Want You To Worship Satan.

I couldn’t choose between these two records so they can share the spoils and the dubious honour of now being on my somewhat depraved radar.

Damim – British blackened death metal of the very highest calibre. Faster than the firing rate of a gatling gun, and more complex than an Italian fuel pump design, but infinitely more reliable and pleasing. A truly monumental record.

http://www.facebook.com/dam.nation.uk

King Satan – Incredibly insane industrial metal from Finland. Cacophonous, dribblingly mental and inventive and a shining example of what joy can happen when musical genres like what they see and make violent, unpredictable love together. Aggrotech meets industrial metal, checks out its arse and then tears its clothes off in a paroxysm of sexual frenzy. King Satan is the offspring of that unholy union. Utterly magnificent.

http://www.facebook.com/kingsatan616

So there you have it. Dark Juan attempts a top ten of the many fine records and some stinkers (hear that, Warrior Soul?) I have had the pleasure to review. Here’s to 2020. Happy Yule, you beautiful bitches and bastards! If you see me out out, buy me beer and lock up your daughters. Peace and good fortune.

 

 

Disclaimer: This Top Ten is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.

King Satan – I Want You To Worship Satan

I Want You To Worship Satan Album Cover

King Satan – I Want You To Worship Satan
Inverse Records
Release Date: 22/11/2019
Running Time: 41:28
Review by ‘Dark Juan’
10/10

Welcome to the Netherworld, you obsidian questing souls of black. If you wish to follow the Left Hand Path, I am Dark Juan and I will be your guide as you descend the circles of hell to find your own special brand of damnation. Or I will in a short while as I am currently fighting off food induced lassitude and am lounging upon my Satanic sofa after consuming my own body weight in provender earlier this evening.

“Bewildered and weak, yet with colossal chippy tea replete, I won’t be hungering for anything apart from copious quantities of fucking slamming industrial metal from Finland. And perhaps a very cheeky IPA that caught my eye in Shamansbury’s! Citrusy, bitter and fruity! Just how I like the keyboard players in fucking slamming Finnish industrial metal bands!”

Well, that Cradle Of Filth quote went totally wrong, even if it was indeed factually accurate. Sorry, Dani. Tonight, for a change, boys and girls, we are going to just plunge into a record review instead of you all having to wade through pages of entirely 100% true stories of what occurs in my life. Never have I lied to you, my flock. Never…

King Satan are from Tampere, Finland, which explains the fact that they are quite stupendously more bonkers than Evil Scarecrow, Nazi shitbiscuit, Varg Vikernes and an entire cheerleading squad off their tits on magic mushrooms dancing to Boney M songs on a mirrored revolving dancefloor. In space. Oh shit. I hate my imagination sometimes. Now the song has changed to Baccarat’s “Yes, Sir, I Can Boogie” and they are all wearing roller-skates. Fucking hell! FOCUS, DARK JUAN!

Yes. King Satan. A band that sounds like nothing I have ever heard. Like Cubanate without the grimness and the iron greyness! Like Combichrist with sexy, molten dollops of metal guitar slathered all over Andy LaPlegua’s vigorous torso. Like Rob Zombie’s technicolour horror universe if he had discovered techno at a formative age. Like aggrotech, metal and hellektro met and had a frenzied, bloody three-way in a filthy Venetian back alley after meeting when wasted on PCP. All underpinned perfectly with the gut-wrenching roar of King Aleister Satan. This is violent shit, man. You’re losing limbs in a King Satan moshpit. We all know I am partial to a bit of industrial music now and again, and you’re probably all quite sick of me spouting on about aggrotech on a heavy metal website, but this is a bit fucking special. There’s everything in here. It’s schizophrenic musical promiscuity in its purest form! There’s utterly murderous industrial metal a la “Houses Of The Mole” era Ministry overlaid with the strident sonic warfare of Christ Analogue, then there’s waves of synth fuelled fury over 1980’s New Jack hip hop beats. This transcends mere metal, and welds it into a wholly different musical form. THIS is what terror EBM and metal have been threatening to do for years and their love child is frankly terrifying.

Opening song ‘The Killing Of God’ sets the tone for the album in stunning style, with Ultraviolence style gabber keyboards over serrated, precise riffing – kind of like a slower, less intense, more musically minded Berzerker song. The throat ripping vocal style fits the violence in the music perfectly. The only other band I have heard in the industrial genre who is as musically diverse is one man French horror show Obszon Geschopf, and even they are not close to the level of savagery King Satan display. The amusingly (and accurately) titled second song is ‘Fuck Yoga’. Quite! Anyway, it kicks off with full on techno keys and beats before settling into an almost Rammstein sort of groove. But faster! The guitar work (and how it dovetails with the keyboards) on the whole record actually reminds me a lot of the work of Neue Deutsche Harte bands like Rammstein, Eisbrecher, Stahlmann and Megaherz. You know, the endless pursuit of perfection in the riff and the metronomic precision of the palm muting…

Synth player Katherine Boss also shares vocal duties, and her demented cutesy little girl meets Mike Patton at his most insane when he was in Mr. Bungle voice adds another level of madness to an already clearly psychologically fucked up band. Peak “Oh shit, they are madder than a box full of tiny pissed Ozzy Osbourne’s next to an historic monument” moment hits three songs in on ‘Psychosadomasochism’ which can charitably be described as deranged. And that’s being nice to them because they are approaching the levels of insanity Dark Juan normally operates at. If you want a picture of what the inside of my head looks like, listen to this song and then run away. Save yourself…

Oh, hang on. I thought they had finally purged the madness. This was not the case. They’ve gone completely off piste again. Just when sanity had temporarily restored itself with a most satisfying slab of industrial grind, they are back again with church organ overlaid with techno beats, one of the most incongruous guitar solos I have ever heard and yet more girlish babbling on ‘Fuck The World’. ‘The Antichristification’ is pure hardcore techno with fucking killer guitar – exactly how I imagine Cubanate picturing their acidic music when they were developing their sound.

I fucking love this record. I’m on my third spin through the album already and I’m not losing interest. It’s vaudevillian, carnival music for demon hellspawn… It’s perfect music to flagellate your dogboy to. It’s filthy, dirty, musically slutty, coruscating, shockingly heavy and dense music. It is BDSM in musical form. It’s black latex covered in blood and sweat, unguents and lubricants. It is whip welts on alabaster flesh, livid scars over intricate tattoos of inverted pentagrams, a Chelsea smile on a beautiful girl’s face. It’s savage, violent, unpredictable and utterly impossible to resist. I can’t see how King Satan will ever top this. It’s absolutely fucking insane.

If you are musically adventurous, you’ll love this. If you are like me and have a foot in both the camps of metal and EBM, you’ll fucking love this. If you appreciate demented humour, you’ll like this. If you’re a purist, you might not, but I beg all of my acolytes reading this nonsense, give this record a chance. If you listen to nothing else on my recommendation ever again, listen to King Satan. I truly do think they are that good.
Holy fuck. Just… holy fuck.

The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System (Patentoitu Dark Juan Blood Splat-luokitusjarjestelma – there’s umlauts in there somewhere) is currently sitting silent in a darkened room wondering whether he should quit his Satanic ministry and just join King Satan instead, and awards 10/10 for the industrial record I always dreamed of.

TRACKLISTING:
01. The Killing Of God
02. Fuck Yoga
03. Psychosadomasochism
04. I Want You To Worship Satan
05. All Magick Is Chaos Magick
06. Fuck The World
07. The Antichristification (Is that even a real fucking word?)
08. Circus Of The Mind
09. Transgression
10. Raison D’Etre
11. The Portrait Of Darkness

LINE-UP : King Satan are: fucking mental!
King Aleister Satan – Vocals and programming
Katherine Boss – Synths and vocals
Jerry Rock ‘N’ Roll – Bass
Pete Hellraiser – Drums
Frater E.F. – Live guitars

LINKS:
http://www.kingsatan.net/
https://www.facebook.com/kingsatan616/
https://www.instagram.com/kingsatanofficial/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3_nV0hfri-8wi7wzmxWO3Q

 

Promo Pic1

 

 

Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.