The Goners – Good Mourning

The Goners – Good Mourning
RidingEasy Records
Release Date: 13/03/2020
Running Time: 41:37
Review by Alun Jones

This little beauty threw off it’s shackles and ran for the hills, almost without me noticing. I’m blaming the societal breakdown caused by Corona virus, obviously not an oversight on my part. No, sir. “Good Mourning” – the debut album from The Goners – was released back in March 2020; just before the world turned into a 1970’s Charlton Heston dystopian sci-fi movie.

The Goners are comprised of Nate Gone – formerly of Salem’s Pot – on vocals, with four dudes from Swedish rock band Yvonne. “Good Mourning” is a throw-back to zoned-out good times and bizarro occult rock, with absolutely no regret the morning after.

First song ‘Are You Gone Yet’ sets the pace nicely: fuzzy 60’s garage rock with a proto metal ferocity. With the next track, ‘High, Low And Never In Between’, the Goners throw in more of their other specialty – 70’s doom with groovy, care-free freak outs.

Wonderfully out of time, this retro feast also sounds totally now. You can throw this on your portable music system and liven up any social gathering (so long as you stay far enough apart). Press play and jump around all crazy-style to ‘Evil (Is Not Enough)’ and ‘The Little Blue’ – this is Black Sabbath if they were a Stones cover band.

Plus – and this seals the deal – a couple of fine, desert bleached songs in ‘Good Ol’ Death’ and ‘Dead In The Saddle’ that rattle with a dread atmosphere. Absolutely essential for your next David Lynch/rockabilly/goth themed horror party.

“Good Mourning” by The Goners, then: if you’re a werewolf biker trapped in a cursed world you never made, but like to let your scraggy hair down with chicks from a Russ Meyer movie – this is for you. Great cover art, too.

I’ve thought I was a goner myself, on a few occasions: most of them involving my old mucker Ozzy Osbourne. One time, we were drinking in a golf club in LA and got thrown out, as you can imagine.  So, Ozzy decided to go for a joyride in a golf buggy, with me on shotgun. He was flooring it, but we were only going at a jogging pace, so the golfers soon caught us up and were ready to brain us with their hitty-stick things.

All of a sudden, Oz drove the buggy over a hill and we toppled into a sand dune (bunker?). We were lucky we were thrown clear and the buggy just managed to avoid crushing the pair of us. The golfers took pity and consoled us with a nice brandy in the clubhouse. Till the cops turned up, and dragged Ozzy and me off to jail. The whole time, we were both wearing Sharon’s dresses.

01. Are You Gone Yet
02. High, Low and Never In Between
03. World Of Decay
04. Evil (Is Not Enough)
05. Good Ol’ Death
06. The Sickening
07. Down and Out
08. You Better Run
09. The Little Blue
10 Dead In The Saddle (Dead Moon)

Nate Gone
Mick Dagger
Vic Odin
Timo Tinto
Grave Dave


Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of Alun Jones and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.

Lucifer Star Machine – The Devil’s Breath

Lucifer Star Machine – The Devil’s Breath
The Sign Records
Release Date: 03/04/2020
Running Time: 42:42
Review by Dark Juan
Rating 8/10

It is evening at Dark Juan Terrace, Mrs. Dark Juan is making facemasks upstairs in her eyrie and I have the pleasure of the company of Number Two Furry Son Sir Igor Egbert Bryan Clown-Shoe Cleavage-Hoover while I write this. When I say pleasure, I use the term loosely as he is variously shouting at me for my beer or trying to steal my crisp butty, the thieving little hellhound bastard. I have trained him well. He has been exiled from the eyrie because he is such an unutterable tiny terror. He honestly bullies a dog four times his weight. He has now left the room and I am instead blessed with the anal artistry of Number Three Furry Son Hodgson Biological-Weapon. He has just dropped a fartbomb of such stupendous filth that even he has left the room in disgust. Do you see what I have to endure in order to bring you such factual and splendid record reviews, dear children of the dark? I will attempt to stave off oxygen starvation and the possibility of being poisoned in order to bring you the benefit of my wisdom regarding Lucifer Star Machine’s latest opus “The Devil’s Breath”…

I don’t mind telling you, Novichok has nothing on that dog’s arse. I had to leave the room for a good ten minutes. Not a problem because I needed to get another beer.

Lucifer Star Machine are a German punk n roll band formed initially (and somewhat confusingly) in London, however they now reside in Hamburg and now have an all German line-up. With stage names. Dark Juan likes stage names. But theirs aren’t as good as his. He thinks…

Yeah, enough of the nonsense. What do Lucifer Star Machine sound like? The blurb the PR company very kindly sent says, “The Devil’s Breath is a high-energy mixture of classic rock, punk, a touch of metal, and a hint of 1950’s Rock’n’Roll…”

They are nearly right – there’s little to no metal on display here. It’s rock and roll and punk fused. And it’s pretty damned good. Imagine The Offspring and “Earth A.D.” era Misfits meeting Nekromantix and having a bloody good piss up together and then forming a band and you have a rough idea of what this bunch of German miscreants sound like. You’re fortunate – I have decided to forgo the usual nauseating sadomasochistic sexual metaphor I normally employ. It’s been a trying day. Frankly any album that starts with the words “Catholic Church sex abuse scandal” has already earned a million goodwill points considering my virulently anti-church stance (no matter how much fun it is deflowering virgin Christian girls upon the sacred altar in front of a packed house of increasingly shocked parishioners while the priest weeps quietly in the corner and I shout “Hail Satan!” at the moment of completion. Thus, another goth girl is created and the Church loses another sheep from the flock…) and sets the tone for a record that, although done before by the likes of the Hellacopters et al, has a certain charm all its own.

Opening cut ‘The Void’ crashes into the lugholes like a six foot, and ridiculously friendly pink mohicaned punk who’s pissed up at half ten in the morning and has staggered by accident into your venue of choice. This is good time music. Music you drink to and dance and do stupid things to. The kind of music that inspires Jackass style madness off your garden chair involving you, Smudgy the cat, the paddling pool and five very drunk friends. And a trip to hospital. And every song is like that. Speedy, fun, entertaining and well produced and accessible. Some punk can be samey and difficult to listen to and LSM are not like that. It does make it hard to pick standout songs from the record because it is an album that rewards you listening to it as a complete body of work rather than a song here and there. Lucifer Star Machine are the soundtrack to your stupidest ideas and they are to be commended for that. Every song is pretty much three chord punk madness, but played with a sense of fun and enjoyment you seldom hear on a record until you get to the last track which is the title track. Where Lucifer Star Machine delve perilously close to Green Day style chart bothering with acoustic guitar but thankfully with a suitably satanic lyrical content to save it from my righteous fury. That was a close one, meine herren!

Dark Juan officially recommends Lucifer Star Machine to your attention. If you like something less heavy occasionally then you’ll probably love it. If you’re a snotty purist, go fuck yourself. With a JCB or something. Make it count.

The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System (Das Patentierte Dunkle Juan Blutspritzer Bewertungssystem) awards Lucifer Star Machine 8/10 for a jolly hockey sticks, fun record that will be best enjoyed fucking hammered on a beach with ladies all around you. Of course, Dark Juan would do this while in the black desert in Iceland with Nordic hotties everywhere. Just saying…

01. The Void
02. Dwell In Misery
03. Cruel Hearts
04. Baby, When You Cry
05. The Night Is Young
06. Eat Dust
07. A Touch Of Death
08. El Camino Real
09. Pretender
10. Evil Blood
11. Midnight Crawler
12. Your Love Remains
13. Devil’s Breath

Tor Abyss – Throat
Mickey Necro – Guitars
Marshall Speed – Guitars
Benny Zin – Bass
Jay Impact – Drums


Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of ‘Dark Juan’ and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.

Hembree And The Satan Sisters – F.Y.F


Hembree And The Satan Sisters – F.Y.F
Rusty Knuckles Music
Release Date: 20/09/2019
Running Time: 15:00
Reviewed By Dark Juan

It is Monday evening at Dark Juan Terrace, and I have just finished a one hundred hour working week. My gospel and my litany of hatred won’t preach itself, you know. But here I am writing to you, my good people, because I am nothing if not generous with my time and my energies in sharing the One True Path of extreme music with you, my beloved brethren. This review is being brought to you by Camden Hells lager, a withering and rapidly increasing dislike of the human race at large and a violent reaction to the stupidity of large sections of society. Also, I’m listening to a punk rock record. So, in the timeless fashion of snot-nosed 70s punkers, modern day crust punk and anyone who is still interested in Crass and The Anti – Nowhere League I’m going to condense all this simmering hatred into two politically aware and savvy sentences:

Fuck Boris Johnson and his fucking crew of rapacious rich boy capitalist cunts. If you’re working class and vote Tory, you’re a fucking class traitor, mate.

Because that was what British punk was all about innit? All about raging against the machine, socially aware rage dressed up in fake, barely coherent and frequently explicit three chord, two-minute blasts masquerading as songs.

Hembree And The Satan Sisters are like that, musically at least. This Atlanta, Georgia crew have taken the three chord punk blueprint and have run with it. And then run with it some more. And then kept running until they came to some colossal and immovable obstacle (like Boris motherfucking Johnson) and then turned around and ran all the back. Ground breaking music this ain’t. It’s a well produced 1970s Oi! record. It’s all style and very little original substance, with an even more childish reliance than my own on swearing to make their point. To that end, I was not entertained. In fact, I have been extremely disappointed. Hang on…..

My apologies. Igor the Evil One decided he wanted to fight. I had to best the little beast lest he got an overwhelming sense of his own importance. It was what was necessary to avoid being shouted at for several hours…..

Yes, lowest common denominator three chord punk aimed at rebellious 15 year olds angry at their own parents, with no political or social commentary – the things that made punk RELEVANT in the first place. Instead the entire record is just a general middle finger to basically everyone and everything. Even my hatred is narrow and targeted and just shouting “Fuck you and fuck everyone else as well!” does not a rebellious attitude make. In anything it’s a bit pathetic. Marks lost for making me think you don’t have access to a thesaurus, Hembree…

The band’s sound – have I said that they are a three chord punk band yet? They sound like a less raw Black Flag mixed with the glossy shine of latter day Misfits, both bands that I have a lot of time for. However, it’s dated as fuck, man, and trying to weld some sort of emo-tinged outward hatred of everything to a classic sound done a million times before doesn’t really work. It doesn’t have the teenaged, snot nosed confidence of the Ramones, nor the absolute sonic rage of crust punkers such as Hellbastard or Lazarus Blackstar and it just sounds like a middle-aged man shouting for no good reason. And that’s sad. That’s why this record leaves me utterly cold.

I can’t recommend a single song on the album. From the opening rant (entitled “The Longhaired Weirdo Speaks!”) to the closing spoken word nonsense it’s all generic and a bit dull although “Dancin’ At Your Suicide” has an odd 50s rock ‘n’ roll vibe very reminiscent of the Misfits’ “Saturday Night”.

I’m not writing any more on this band because it’s a waste of your and my time. It has even robbed me of my trademark humour. It’s not truly fucking awful like Warrior Soul’s last two records, but it has no redeeming qualities either. I’m bored.

The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System just can’t be arsed. 2/10.


Track list

The Longhaired Weirdo Speaks! (I wish he wouldn’t. He has nothing to say.)
Fuck Your Religion And Fuck Your Politics (Yeah, man, fuck yours too. Political discourse in action.)
A Devil’s Warning (You boys aren’t devils. I serve the devil. You ain’t him. You don’t have any horns. Or the kind of withering sarcasm Old Nick does so well.)
Say It To My Face (OK, your band is a bit crap, mate.)
Nothing To Prove (Fucking good job really.)
Rape This Land (Generally you need a blitzkrieg or at least a strong armoured thrust to do this. I don’t think the band have a panzer regiment complete with combat pioneers and panzer grenadiers to hand…)
Dancin’ At Your Suicide (Suicide is no fucking joke, lads. No fucking joke at all.)
Who’s Laughin’ Now (Not me. Also, Dancing and laughing have a letter G at the end of them. I hate it when bands do this gettin’ rid of the G at the end of words. It boils my piss nearly as much as a Warrior Soul album. This is not a criticism of Hembree And The Satan Sisters. This is Dark Juan focusing his righteous fury in the direction of idiots.)
The Longhaired Weirdo Speaks Again! (Do shut up, dear boy.)

Hembree And The Satan Sisters are:

Zachery M. Hembree- Lead Vocals
Ash Miltiades- Lead and Rhythm Guitar/Vocals
KD/DC-Rhythm Guitar
Charley Ferlito-Bass/Backing Vocals
Parker Bradshaw-Drums





Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.