When Dark Juan Attempts A Top Ten List…

When Dark Juan Attempts A Top Ten List…

Just a quick interjection from me as I thank Dark Juan for all his hard work and the somewhat “different” reviews he has submitted this year. Thank you kind sir!

Especially when he’s sober. Let’s try and keep this brief and at least moderately entertaining, eh?

10. Stahlmann – Kinder Der Sehnsucht.

Stahlmann

Nth Generation Neue Deutsche Harte. Causes goth girls to lose their frilly knickers. If you like baritone German vocals, das ist gut!

http://www.facebook.com/stahlmann-138756019513864


9. Kill All The Gentlemen – The Loss And The Rapture.

Kill All The Gentlemen

Spectactularly deranged British bruisers defy expectations with corking album of magnificently spiky metal.

http://www.facebook.com/killallthegentlemen


8. Hecate Enthroned – Embrace Of The Godless Aeon.

Hecate Dethroned

More Brits, bringing back the good time when British avant-garde black metal had romance and melody instead of a production job not unlike a wasp in an echo chamber and a problem with unburnt churches.

http://www.facebook.com/HecateEnthroned


7. Dirge – Lost Empyrean.

Dirge

The greatest French metal band I have experienced apart from P.H.O.B.O.S. Did the most amazing thing ever for the release of this album. Released it, then split up just when I discovered how awesome they are. Merci pour rien, mes amis!

http://www.facebook.com/dirge.fr


6. Blame Zeus – Seethe.

Blame Zeus

Portugal normally means port, the Algarve and occasional naval ally against Spain to this hellpriest. It doesn’t normally mean absolutely slamming female fronted heavy fucking metal. Splendid stuff from the sun-kissed slammers.

http://www.facebook.com/BlameZeus


5. Woven Man – Revelry (in Our Arms).

Woven Man

When Wales stops bothering about rugby, cawl and Felinfoel Double Dragon (a fine Llanelli brew as Woven Man will of course know!) they do this. A supremely crushing and powerful heavy metal record enhanced with the delightful form of Natalie Purchase on the cover. It almost makes me forget the Church. Amen.

http://www.facebook.com/wovenisms


4. Quantum Pig – Songs Of Industry And Sunshine.

Quantum Pig

Hitherto unknown prog delights from a technically expert band. Also, they are wonderful gentlemen and fine conversationalists. You heard it here first. And I’ve still not given away the secret they told me about the next record…

http://www.facebook.com/QuantumPig


3. Sacred Reich – Awakening.

Sacred Reich

Oh god. Oh my fucking god. The BEST of the American thrash metal bands return to the fray with an album that took off my face, stamped all over it with hobnailed boots on and then threw it in the bin. Savage.

http://www.facebook.com/sacredreichofficial


2. Graham Bonnet – Live In Tokyo 2017.

Graham Bonnet

The perfect heavy metal live album from a fucking bona fide heavy fucking metal legend, a gentleman of the first order, and also Beth-Ami Heavenstone. If you know me, you know about Beth-Ami Heavenstone. Sigh.

http://www.facebook.com/grahambonnetmusic


1. Damim/ King Satan – A Fine Game Of Nil/ I Want You To Worship Satan.

I couldn’t choose between these two records so they can share the spoils and the dubious honour of now being on my somewhat depraved radar.

Damim – British blackened death metal of the very highest calibre. Faster than the firing rate of a gatling gun, and more complex than an Italian fuel pump design, but infinitely more reliable and pleasing. A truly monumental record.

http://www.facebook.com/dam.nation.uk

King Satan – Incredibly insane industrial metal from Finland. Cacophonous, dribblingly mental and inventive and a shining example of what joy can happen when musical genres like what they see and make violent, unpredictable love together. Aggrotech meets industrial metal, checks out its arse and then tears its clothes off in a paroxysm of sexual frenzy. King Satan is the offspring of that unholy union. Utterly magnificent.

http://www.facebook.com/kingsatan616

So there you have it. Dark Juan attempts a top ten of the many fine records and some stinkers (hear that, Warrior Soul?) I have had the pleasure to review. Here’s to 2020. Happy Yule, you beautiful bitches and bastards! If you see me out out, buy me beer and lock up your daughters. Peace and good fortune.

 

 

Disclaimer: This Top Ten is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.

Quantum Pig – Songs Of Industry And Sunshine

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Quantum Pig – Songs Of Industry And Sunshine
White Star Records
Release Date: 01/02/2019
Running Time: 40:36
Review by ‘Dark Juan’
9/10

Well, this is not what I was expecting at all. I am confounded, astonished and surprised all at once. I was expecting some kind of insane industrial blaster. Instead, I have got a Prog Rock band who simultaneously claim they are not a Prog band. This immediately gets the antennae quivering.

Hello, I am Dark Juan and I have stopped the DIY hell I am suffering in my kitchen in order to give you the (drunken) benefit of my wisdom on “Songs Of Industry And Sunshine” by Quantum Pig, which is a fucking great name for a band. Don’t argue. You’re wrong because you don’t know what a quantum state is. I SAID DON’T ARGUE! YOU! YOU THERE, WAVING YOUR HANDS ABOUT AND EXSPOSTULATING! PACK IT IN! NO-ONE IS IMPRESSED AND THIS IS MY REVIEW, SO YOU CAN JUST SOD OFF, OK? Don’t make me unleash the Evil Ones… the Evil Ones being my excuses for dogs. There is Sir Zeusington Zeus KCMG, VC, MM, MC, DFC and Bar who WILL raid your food regardless of what security provisions you have in place, Sir Igor Egbert Cleavage-Hoover who will just shout at you until you submit to his will (don’t ever eat a sandwich in his presence if you are female. You will see why he is called what he is…), and finally Hodgson Fartpants (named for the author Willaim Hope-Hodgson, a criminally ignored and extremely innovative author who arguably wrote the first sf novel entitled The Night Land and once lived in Borth near Aberystwyth, as did I. Wales became too hot for me after I defiled a priest’s daughter on the altar in St. Michael’s in Aberystwyth. At Communion…) Hodgson has just recently returned from a dodgy regime somewhere in the world where he was seconded to their armed forces for his skills at anal chemical warfare… Ooops, sorry. Three hundred words in and I haven’t said a fucking word about the music. I know I’m new here, but you are going to have to get used to this. It will happen A LOT.

Quantum Pig, then. An extraordinary duo based in London, in good old Blighty. A pair of very irritatingly talented men whose music is currently entertaining me mightily. Imagine Pink Floyd seducing Soundgarden to a soundtrack of Rush. Now try to rid yourself of that mental image. Good luck and I’ll see you on the other side of the subsequent counselling you will have to endure. Anyway, this is what Quantum Pig sound like and I have to say although it’s only April, this album is a contender for record of the year. I fucking love it! Remember Sugar? Bob Mould of Husker Du’s other band? This is Sugar on prog steroids, baby! I love the melody of it. I love the fact that I can hear profound lyrics instead of, “WOOOOAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH! Hurgh hurgh grrrrr waoooOOOOOO!” I like Ian Faragher’s voice and I like Mark Stevenson’s bass playing. I like the production on the record. It is crystal clear and sharp and entirely in keeping with the sound of the record. I like the guitar work and sound and how it doesn’t overpower the rest of the instruments. I like the bass sound’s clarity. I like the vocal harmonies the gentlemen employ. This is a fine record. It may not appeal to the metal purist, though. It could be considered somewhat lightweight for the person who has only ever listened to Chimaera, or who thinks metal starts and stops with Slipknot. This should not dissuade you from expending serious currency on Quantum Pig. Expand thy mind, metal pilgrim. Expand thy mind. There is more to metal than brutality. Sometimes it is composed of the most incredible magnificence and beauty. Sometimes it’s a fanged murder machine. Sometimes it pays to listen to something other than out and out metal. “Songs Of Industry And Sunshine” will reward repeated listens. I don’t want to quote lyrics, because I will ruin the wonderfulness of them, but the words are sublime. You can trust me on this.

The opening track ‘Statement Of Intent’ is just that, a song that sets the tone of the record in a rather remarkable fashion, all biting guitars and thought-provoking lyrics and things improve with the second track. In fact, it’s an upwardly trending curve of wonderfulness until we get to album closer ‘Dirty Old Engine’. Then Quantum Pig falter. You should know that I am not a fan of ballads. In fact, I fucking hate them with a venom akin to a genocidal maniac. They ruin albums. They are turgid, awful, personality-masturbating things that have no place in metal. I have a test for ballads – if it is not as good as Skid Row’s 18 And Life (being the only tolerable ballad I have ever heard) then it’s shite, mate. While ‘Dirty Old Engine’ is not quite a ballad, it does cost Quantum Pig a mark or two because their record ends on a damp squib, and not on the coruscating orgasm of magnificence it should have done. Bad Quantum Pig. Very bad Quantum Pig indeed.

However, drunken ranting aside, this is that rare thing. A prog metal album that is easy to listen to, challenging in parts, thought-provoking in lyrical content and rocks like an absolute motherfucker. Good Quantum Pig. We like it when you do that.

This record will be remaining on The Dark Juan Playlist Of Doom, Horror, Sexual Perversions And Obscure 70s TV Theme Tunes for quite some time. I suggest, no actually, I REQUEST AND REQUIRE YOU ALL BUY THIS RECORD AND CEASE YOUR POINTLESS PROTESTATIONS!

Thank you very much. I’ll be here until I’m fired.

The Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System awards Quantum Pig a genocidally bloodsoaked 9/10. Good job Mrs. Dark Juan is in Blighty, really. I’d have some explaining to do about why the village is so quiet…

TRACKLISTING:
01. Tracklist
02. Statement Of Intent
03.Citizen And State
04. Long Letter Home
05. The Shadows We Miss
06. Things
07. Keep The Nation Warm
08. Dirty Old Engine

QUANTUM PIG IS:
Ian Faragher – Vocals, guitars, keys
Mark Stevenson – Vocals, bass, keys

LINKS:
https://www.quantumpig.net/
https://www.facebook.com/QuantumPig/

https://www.instagram.com/quantumpig/

 

Quantum Pig press photos

 

Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.