Hembree And The Satan Sisters – F.Y.F
Rusty Knuckles Music
Release Date: 20/09/2019
Running Time: 15:00
Reviewed By Dark Juan
It is Monday evening at Dark Juan Terrace, and I have just finished a one hundred hour working week. My gospel and my litany of hatred won’t preach itself, you know. But here I am writing to you, my good people, because I am nothing if not generous with my time and my energies in sharing the One True Path of extreme music with you, my beloved brethren. This review is being brought to you by Camden Hells lager, a withering and rapidly increasing dislike of the human race at large and a violent reaction to the stupidity of large sections of society. Also, I’m listening to a punk rock record. So, in the timeless fashion of snot-nosed 70s punkers, modern day crust punk and anyone who is still interested in Crass and The Anti – Nowhere League I’m going to condense all this simmering hatred into two politically aware and savvy sentences:
Fuck Boris Johnson and his fucking crew of rapacious rich boy capitalist cunts. If you’re working class and vote Tory, you’re a fucking class traitor, mate.
Because that was what British punk was all about innit? All about raging against the machine, socially aware rage dressed up in fake, barely coherent and frequently explicit three chord, two-minute blasts masquerading as songs.
Hembree And The Satan Sisters are like that, musically at least. This Atlanta, Georgia crew have taken the three chord punk blueprint and have run with it. And then run with it some more. And then kept running until they came to some colossal and immovable obstacle (like Boris motherfucking Johnson) and then turned around and ran all the back. Ground breaking music this ain’t. It’s a well produced 1970s Oi! record. It’s all style and very little original substance, with an even more childish reliance than my own on swearing to make their point. To that end, I was not entertained. In fact, I have been extremely disappointed. Hang on…..
My apologies. Igor the Evil One decided he wanted to fight. I had to best the little beast lest he got an overwhelming sense of his own importance. It was what was necessary to avoid being shouted at for several hours…..
Yes, lowest common denominator three chord punk aimed at rebellious 15 year olds angry at their own parents, with no political or social commentary – the things that made punk RELEVANT in the first place. Instead the entire record is just a general middle finger to basically everyone and everything. Even my hatred is narrow and targeted and just shouting “Fuck you and fuck everyone else as well!” does not a rebellious attitude make. In anything it’s a bit pathetic. Marks lost for making me think you don’t have access to a thesaurus, Hembree…
The band’s sound – have I said that they are a three chord punk band yet? They sound like a less raw Black Flag mixed with the glossy shine of latter day Misfits, both bands that I have a lot of time for. However, it’s dated as fuck, man, and trying to weld some sort of emo-tinged outward hatred of everything to a classic sound done a million times before doesn’t really work. It doesn’t have the teenaged, snot nosed confidence of the Ramones, nor the absolute sonic rage of crust punkers such as Hellbastard or Lazarus Blackstar and it just sounds like a middle-aged man shouting for no good reason. And that’s sad. That’s why this record leaves me utterly cold.
I can’t recommend a single song on the album. From the opening rant (entitled “The Longhaired Weirdo Speaks!”) to the closing spoken word nonsense it’s all generic and a bit dull although “Dancin’ At Your Suicide” has an odd 50s rock ‘n’ roll vibe very reminiscent of the Misfits’ “Saturday Night”.
I’m not writing any more on this band because it’s a waste of your and my time. It has even robbed me of my trademark humour. It’s not truly fucking awful like Warrior Soul’s last two records, but it has no redeeming qualities either. I’m bored.
The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System just can’t be arsed. 2/10.
The Longhaired Weirdo Speaks! (I wish he wouldn’t. He has nothing to say.)
Fuck Your Religion And Fuck Your Politics (Yeah, man, fuck yours too. Political discourse in action.)
A Devil’s Warning (You boys aren’t devils. I serve the devil. You ain’t him. You don’t have any horns. Or the kind of withering sarcasm Old Nick does so well.)
Say It To My Face (OK, your band is a bit crap, mate.)
Nothing To Prove (Fucking good job really.)
Rape This Land (Generally you need a blitzkrieg or at least a strong armoured thrust to do this. I don’t think the band have a panzer regiment complete with combat pioneers and panzer grenadiers to hand…)
Dancin’ At Your Suicide (Suicide is no fucking joke, lads. No fucking joke at all.)
Who’s Laughin’ Now (Not me. Also, Dancing and laughing have a letter G at the end of them. I hate it when bands do this gettin’ rid of the G at the end of words. It boils my piss nearly as much as a Warrior Soul album. This is not a criticism of Hembree And The Satan Sisters. This is Dark Juan focusing his righteous fury in the direction of idiots.)
The Longhaired Weirdo Speaks Again! (Do shut up, dear boy.)
Hembree And The Satan Sisters are:
Zachery M. Hembree- Lead Vocals
Ash Miltiades- Lead and Rhythm Guitar/Vocals
Charley Ferlito-Bass/Backing Vocals
Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.