Voidgazer – Dance Of The Undesirables EP
Release Date: 27/08/2021
Running Time: 30:04
Review by Dark Juan
Salutations, dear comrades of the army of metal! It is I, Dark Juan, who is fucking wired on hyper strength coffee and having trouble typing this as the words are moving in my head too fast to get them through the appallingly slow method of my inept two fingered typing to the keyboard. This is compounded by the fact that I have spent TWO FUCKING DAYS trying to get money into my French bank account to pay my taxe fonciere (yeah, French speakers will note that there should be accents over at least one of the e’s, but a) I am too cross to care and b) I don’t have a fucking clue how to do it anyway with my lovely QWERTY keyboard, instead of the strange AZERTY setup the French use) and my bank will not recognize my SWIFT number even after lots of threats to burn down a church…sorry, to burn down their headquarters and kick the arses of every single one of their IT department personally, whilst wearing hobnailed German paratrooper boots. That are on fire.
Fantasies of hoofing computer nerds up the jacksey with the flaming military footwear of vengeance aside, the Mighty Gothikpanzer still has no wipers that are functional and the Leichtes Gothikpanzer I have borrowed is that fucking awful to drive I’d rather walk. Still at least the Smellhounds are pleased because Mrs. Dark Juan has returned unscathed from her sojourn looking after her grandkids. Hodgson Biological-Warfare has glued himself to her side and has refused to move for the past three hours… In the meantime, I have escaped the attentions of the hairy bastards and run off downstairs to write about Voidgazer, being a (it sez ‘ere) a biker prog band from St. Louis, Missouri. In case you’re hopeless at geography, that’s in the United States of America. I’m not being a twat, I promise. I once asked one of my young gentlemen to point out where China was on a map. He pointed at Australia. I mocked him and beat him soundly for his ignorance.
DISCLAIMER: I didn’t beat him. That would be illegal and WRONG. We try to leave no obvious bruising.
This is a very strange record indeed. Vocals that would not be out of place on a Black Dahlia Murder album plumb sepulchral, guttural depths where you’d only expect to find lesser demons and stratospheric, banshee howling, overlay music that is scuzzy biker rock and roll, heavy fucking metal and extreme levels of proggy fretboard wankery. Even more surprisingly, it works and works very well indeed. Omar Olivares II (I expect the II is important, to Omar anyway) has a superb voice for metal, and it sounds like his range is effortless. I am jealous. The production job is top notch too, with more bottom end than a dry-docked aircraft carrier, and meaty as fuck guitars. Even the drums are heavy and punchy. The song arrangements are actually pretty fucking splendid too. You wouldn’t expect pretty straight-ahead metal parts to segue quite so seamlessly into the blues and prog, but there we go. Voidgazer do it with ease, and it is actually the prog parts that lift the record from merely enjoyable into something a bit special. ‘Blast Equalizer’ shows this with considerable aplomb – A song that changes into several gears, but never sounds disjointed, even when using nonstandard time signatures and experimental chord progressions. EP opener ‘Jesus Take The Needle’ owes lots and lots to “Dimension Hatross” era Voivod, but is exciting and refreshingly different, mainly due to the harsh growls of Omar (II) and some superb instrumentation. Every member of this band is a magnificent musician and once more I am reduced to bitter tears of jealously and rage, mainly because I’m too fucking lazy to practice guitar. Although as an aside, I found a Squier Jagmaster I’d forgotten I had in the attic the other day. ‘Sexual Sadist Serial Slasher’ (is this just copied from the curriculum vitae I had to send Field-Marshal Sir Richard “Alright, I’ll Take You On, But Woe Betide Your Lily-White Ass If You So Much As Put One Foot Wrong This Time, You Absolute Wankpuffin” Tilley when I asked whether I could write for him?) is rather less prog and all about speed and power. It’s a hell of a closer, breakneck and violent and absolutely fucking brilliant.
Which pretty much sums up the whole EP, really. It’s pretty unique, what with the combination of oily, dirty-fingernailed rock, leather and denim clad metal, lager-fuelled thrash, smoky blues and silk suited, strangely attired prog. With added roaring. What a fucking combination. I’m a big fan!
Voidgazer describe themselves as “Scary music to fuck to”. Yeah, I’d be scared that the fuck I would be having would be over in about thirteen seconds if I was having to keep to the tempos this bunch of American miscreants do. I will leave the last word to the hairy arsed bastards themselves:
“A hearty riff stew chock full of razors and carburettor parts, everything a growing biker needs to go out and sow terror within the hearts of the unhip.
Warning: listening to this record increases your chances of exposure to biker violence, demonic automobile possession, and goblin infestation.”
Pretty much sums it up for me, man. Even if I am tragically unhip because I ride trikes.
The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System awards Voidgazer a full-throated, V-twin powered 9/10 for a record that manages to flit between genres effortlessly, yet still retains the kind of heaviness that is only found in the centre of black holes. Excellent work, colonial (and traitorous) cousins. Excellent work indeed.
Before any of you start, I’m joking about the traitorous bit. I’m British, after all, and there was some unpleasantness in the past as the US rid itself of the colonial yoke. I have to put this in here because someone, somewhere will be getting their panties all up in a big knot and thinking I’m a horrible racist, as it appears satire and humour are dying arts nowadays. I’m even wearing a Sisters Of Mercy t-shirt depicting a swastika being smashed by a fist and bearing the legend “Gegen Nazis”. Which is German for “Against Nazis”. Now that we have cleared that up…
‘Jesus Take The Needle’ (Official Video)
01. Jesus Take The Needle
02. Expectations Management
03. Dance Of The Undesirables (Surely the Ever-Metal.com theme tune…)
04. Blast Equalizer (The urge to spell this correctly is driving me insane but Rick has told me to leave the spelling alone, heh)
05. Sexual Sadist Serial Slasher (The new official theme tune of Dark Juan)
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